Emergency services were called to a dorm room in East London after a student went into shock after checking their bank account late Thursday night.
22-year-old finance student Will B. Roke had returned from catching up with a friend for coffee followed by a night at the pub with high school drinking buddies when he checked his nearly empty bank account.
“Surely not!” Roke exclaimed. “4 quid? I’ve barely spent any money this week, I’ve been good.”
According to fellow residents at the college, Roke screamed at the sight of his struggling bank account, went pale and curled into the fetal position, in rumours which have been vehemently denied by Roke.
“I’m not surprised,” sniffed a student living across the hallway whose exorbitant lifestyle is funded entirely by her cashed-up family. “I mean, he buys a large overpriced almond latte each day, sometimes another between classes and finishes each day at the pub. After a few beers, he’s more than keen to shout all his friends jaegerbombs, and do the same for people he hasn’t met before. He also seems to use Uber more than public transport, which wouldn’t help.”
As colour slowly returned to his face, Roke defended his liquid diet and transport choices.
“It’s always happy hour in my world,” he said, his voice shaking at the end of the sentence. “Sometimes I eat solids, though, when I go for brunch. It’s rude to say no to a full English breakfast. Also, by using multiple ride-share apps I’m stimulating the local economy.”